Wednesday, December 19, 2012

heavy heart

I have two children.  They are 4 and 5 (almost 6) years old respectively, and I love them more than I ever thought was possible.  As a family, we are all up each others asses all the time.  My wife is gone long hours during the day due to a job with a lot of responsibility and a very long commute, so when it comes to the weekends we are together the whole time.  During the week I have the responsibility of caring for my kids in a full time capacity, while having a full time job of my own.  I get them ready for school, make their lunches and snacks, pack up their little backpacks, brush hair and teeth and get them out the door and delivered to school.  More often than not I'm rushing around, behind schedule and trying to get everyone to shake a leg so that we can all get to school so my son can walk to his classroom with his pals, instead of having to go with me to the school office, and then be escorted to his class from there.  It's not that big a deal, but I always feel that I'm under the gun and that everyone decides to be a pain in the ass right when I'm starting to feel the pressure. But when we finally get to school and it comes time for my children to leave me we hug and kiss, and say "I love you"  and sometimes "I'm sorry" when it's appropriate.  No matter how mad I am at them, or they at me, we always make it ok before we leave each other for the day.
So I drag myself to work everyday, but all day long I think of my kids and smile about the crazy things they do, and laugh and joke about how they drive me crazy.  but they don't drive me crazy.  They're like all kids and want to get away with as much as possible.  They want to test me.  At the end of the day, I pick them up from school and bring them home.  I normally have so much to do when we get home that I put them in front of the television so that I can get many things done in a very short period of time before I have to get them bathed and into bed.  Time is always an issue.  It's what is the cause of much of the tension.  But when it comes down to bath time I always try and do something that I hope brings them some joy.  I put on a record, and we dance.  And when we dance, and listen to music and have this brief moment that is just for us, something that we have together and it will never be .  For me and my children, this thing that we have together is something that gains greater meaning in the light of recent events.  I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the tragedy, but all I can do is love my children and hope that when I send them out into the world they will be safe and happy, but the way the world is, there are no guarantee's.
I needed to talk.  thanks for indulging me   

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